This observation almost always grabs people’s full attention. After all, as a coach who has worked with CEOs, presidential candidates, and working professionals across every industry, I’ve seen firsthand what actually builds lasting confidence—and it does not involve sitting around waiting for that perfect, confident feeling to magically appear.
Instead, confidence is a behavior: it is an action you can choose to take, right now, regardless of how you feel. If you’ve ever walked out of a high-stakes meeting kicking yourself, thinking I knew exactly what I wanted to say—I just couldn’t get it across right, this simple shift in perspective could be the key to unlocking your next level of growth. You do not need to feel confident to come across as confident. And if you learn how to master the latter, the former will usually follow naturally.
The real reason “don’t be nervous” never works
Early on in nearly every coaching relationship, my clients share a story of a past professional misstep: a nerve-wracking interview, a make-or-break pitch, or a panel presentation where they froze up entirely or rambled off track. More often than not, they write the failure off to “just not being confident enough,” and assume the solution is to fix their underlying feelings first. But this approach is a critical mistake.
Trying to boost your performance by fixating on changing your feelings, relying on useless self-talk like “don’t be nervous” or “stop thinking about your imposter syndrome,” is a textbook example of thought suppression. It’s the mental equivalent of telling yourself, “Whatever you do, don’t think about a pink elephant.” Of course you think about a pink elephant—every single time. That’s just how the human brain works. The harder you try to push down feelings of anxiety or awkwardness, the louder and more intrusive those feelings tend to become.
This isn’t a personal failure on your part—it’s just basic neuroscience. But if you want different, better results from your communication, adjusting your approach to confidence is entirely your responsibility.
